The Rundown · Week 2 · Season 33
Hasta la vista, Daddy
Tim drops 158 on the champ, Jason spends $90 before sunrise, and the Teletubbies are a real team. Week 1 in full and looking ahead to Week 2.
Cincinnati ·
From the Commissioner's Desk
Fellas. One week in and "Mr. Tryna 3peat" is 0-1. "Mr. My Poo Looked Like Foxes Running In A Field" had his team play exactly like that, scored 56, and then spent $90 of his season's FAAB before the sun came up. And the Teletubbies are back at the top. The league office was not prepared for any of this.
Let's start with Tim. The inTIMinator almost dropped a 160 bomb on Phatty Daddy, 158, which happens to be 11 more than anyone else scored this week, while Eric left 40 points just hanging out on his bench. Lamar went for 45. Crazy. Gibbs and Walker went for 30 apiece (still crazy), and those three outscored four entire teams by themselves. Eric is fine. He still has Bijan and Jonathan Taylor. Eric is fine. But the path back to the chip is starting 0-1 with maybe the third-best roster in the league, and if Tim keeps putting out weeks like this, he's going to be packing Eric's little suitcase and sending him on vacation come playoff time.
Vanilla Don beat the Foxes by 91 points. That is the biggest margin of the week by a mile, and Don still owns the league record on that one too. The Old Ballers kept two receivers at the top of their board and got two points from those same two receivers. Combined. And Nathan, aka Sir Douglas the Sleeper, who the projections had ninth and I had ninth, scored 134 and sent the Rangers back to Rivendell when he beat Matt, who only scored 118. Matt did nothing wrong. Nathan's team just decided they weren't going to be the same old Teletubbies we used to watch on TV.
Appreciate your patience in getting this week's edition out. I got busy yesterday and decided to pivot to one edition a week, on Wednesdays. It'll recap last week's matchups and look ahead to the coming week's, and Wednesday makes sense since the first game each week is Thursday night. I also wanted to get the waiver wire in without turning around a second edition, so the Tuesday recap and the Wednesday preview are now one issue. I'll make sure to include something special when there are weeks that call for it. Just wanted to give you guys a heads-up.
Three Things
"Mr. Tryna 3peat" benched Jordan Love. Love threw for 387.
Here's the play everybody's going to remember. Minnesota beat Green Bay 39-22, and somewhere in there Jordan Love hit Christian Watson for 81 yards, and Eric owns both of them. Watson was in his lineup for 26. Love was on his bench for 41, because Eric went with Bo Nix instead. Nix gave him 13. That's a 28-point swing on one call. Croskey-Merritt's 12 sat behind a Waddle zero in the flex on top of that. That's how Eric left 40 on the bench.
It didn't decide the game. Tim's 158 beats Eric's best possible lineup, so the champ was losing Sunday no matter who he started. It's the kind of thing that costs you a seed in December. Phatty Daddy had 147 points on the roster and used 107. That's 73%. Only the Ballers were worse, and the Ballers scored 64.
Tim's side of it: Lamar, Gibbs, Walker, and Zay Flowers, who is questionable this week. The champ gets Sassy Balls in what the projections call the closest game on the board. Bowers is questionable again. Levi has De'Von Achane coming off a 6-point game. Somebody's going 0-2 in September. Who's it going to be?
Sir Douglas the Sleeper is awake.
Let's talk about what the Tubbies have, because the projections clearly hadn't looked. Derrick Henry, 32 years old, carrying the ball since Obama (thanks, Obama), dropping 33 points. That's the best week any first-round keeper in this league had. Baker Mayfield went for 30. David Montgomery went for 25. That's 88 from three guys, on a team the numbers had ninth.
Is it real? Henry's been doing this for a decade, so that part probably is. Mayfield at 30 a week is the swing. Nathan also went and got Mike Gesicki off the wire for $9 after the Bengals tight end put up 13, which tells you where he thought the hole was. Pacheco is on IR. It's a top-heavy roster, and top-heavy rosters look great in September.
Matt's side: 118 and a loss. Fifth-best score in the league. Trevor Lawrence went for 36. Rivendell beats 7 of the other 11 teams with that number and drew the one that went off.
Nathan is Manager of the Week. Whether he's good or whether Week 1 was Week 1, we'll know by October. He gets Don this week, so we might know by Monday.
David, Josiah and Jeff are all 1-0, and only one of them should feel good about it.
David played the cleanest game in the league. 136 of a possible 142, Lineup of the Week, and he did it with C.J. Stroud's 34 sitting on his bench. De'Coldest beat me by 22 and never had to sweat it. He's got the second-highest projection on the board this week, behind only Tim. He gets Jason (cough cough, easy dub).
Josiah won the closest game of the week, 89-75 over Levi, and it was the ugliest win on the board. 89 loses to 8 other teams this week. Tyler Shough showed up for 410 and 3 touchdowns on Sunday. He Shough-ed up with 44 points, all on No Punt's bench. Jalen Hurts started and gave him 33. It was enough. Levi had Brock Purdy's 28 on his own bench and started Justin Herbert for 22, and De'Von Achane, the man who ran wild and crazy last year, only gave him 6 in the opener. Both these guys left points on the bench, but Josiah left more and won anyway.
Jeff beat the Ballers 98-64 on Jayden Daniels, Isaiah Likely and the Jaguars defense. Saquon gave him 8 and it didn't matter. A win is a win. It's also a win over a team that scored 64, so Little Isaacs gets the inTIMinator this week to find out what he's really got.
Week 1 Results
Six games. One was close, and it was the ugly one.
Josiah 89 over Levi 75No Punt Intended · Jalen Hurts 33 · Sassy Balls · Justin Herbert 22
89 was the lowest winning score of the week. 75 was the third-lowest score, period.
Tim 158 over Eric 107The inTIMinator · Lamar Jackson 45 · Phatty Daddy · Christian Watson 26
Eric's 107 would've beaten 5 teams this week.
Nathan 134 over Matt 118The Teletubbies · Derrick Henry 33 · Rivendell Rangers · Trevor Lawrence 36
Lawrence went for 36 and Matt still lost by 16. Highest losing score in the league.
Jeff 98 over Bobby & Steve 64Little Isaacs · Jayden Daniels 25 · The Aging Ballers · Joe Burrow 27
Chase and McLaurin, 1 point each. Burrow, throwing to one of them, 27. Dak Prescott had 21 on the Ballers' bench.
Don 147 over Jason 56Vanilla Don · Josh Allen 53 · Foxes Running In A Field · Matthew Stafford 12
91 points is tied for the fifth-biggest margin in league history. Josh Allen 53, the biggest number any player in this league put up, with Mahomes (29) and Rodgers (25) on Don's bench.
David 136 over Jalan 114De'Coldest Toevadoit · Caleb Williams 50 · Open On Sundays · Jared Goff 26
Lineup of the Week for De'Coldest. Jalan had Jaxson Dart's 37 on his bench and started Goff for 26. Would've lost anyway.
Weekly Superlatives
Ten of them, every week, counted all season.
- High Score. Tim, 158
- Low Score. Jason, 56
A.J. Brown in the lineup on IR for 2, Colston Loveland for 0. The perfect lineup off this roster was 71. - Closest Game. Josiah over Levi by 14
- Biggest Blowout. Don over Jason by 91
- Should Have Started Him. Eric sat Jordan Love (41)
Eric still had the third-most points available in the league. - Luckiest Win. Josiah won with 89 · beat Levi with 89, which would have lost to 8 of the other 11
- Toughest Loss. Matt lost with 118 · lost to Nathan with 118, which would have beaten 7 of the other 11
- Waiver Pickup of the Week. no in-season add started this week
Nothing to give yet. No in-season add started a game in Week 1. The first real wire of the year is below. - Lineup of the Week. David, 96% of the best lineup · 136 of a possible 142
- Manager of the Week. Nathan. Projected fourth-worst. Finished fourth-best.
Season count
Through Week 1.
| Award | Season tally |
|---|---|
| High Score | Tim 1 |
| Low Score | Jason 1 |
| Closest Game | Josiah 1 |
| Biggest Blowout | Don 1 |
| Should Have Started Him | Eric 1 |
| Luckiest Win | Josiah 1 |
| Toughest Loss | Matt 1 |
| Waiver Pickup of the Week | none yet |
| Lineup of the Week | David 1 |
| Manager of the Week | Nathan 1 |
Standings
One week in and the record already lies about two teams.All-play is simple: take your score and line it up against all 11 other teams instead of just the one you're matched up against that week. 11-0 means you had the best score of the week if you went against anyone else in the league. 0-11 means you had the worst score if you went against anyone else this week. It's the fastest way to tell whose team plays well, and not just who had a good matchup.
| Team | Record | PF | PA | All-play Wk 1 | All-play Season |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1. TimThe inTIMinator | 1-0 | 158 | 107 | 11-0-0 | 11-0-0 |
| 2. DonVanilla Don | 1-0 | 147 | 56 | 10-1-0 | 10-1-0 |
| 3. DavidDe'Coldest Toevadoit | 1-0 | 136 | 114 | 9-2-0 | 9-2-0 |
| 4. NathanThe Teletubbies | 1-0 | 134 | 118 | 8-3-0 | 8-3-0 |
| 5. JeffLittle Isaacs | 1-0 | 98 | 64 | 4-7-0 | 4-7-0 |
| 6. JosiahNo Punt Intended | 1-0 | 89 | 75 | 3-8-0 | 3-8-0 |
| 7. MattRivendell Rangers | 0-1 | 118 | 134 | 7-4-0 | 7-4-0 |
| 8. JalanOpen On Sundays | 0-1 | 114 | 136 | 6-5-0 | 6-5-0 |
| 9. EricPhatty Daddy | 0-1 | 107 | 158 | 5-6-0 | 5-6-0 |
| 10. LeviSassy Balls | 0-1 | 75 | 89 | 2-9-0 | 2-9-0 |
| 11. Bobby & SteveThe Aging Ballers | 0-1 | 64 | 98 | 1-10-0 | 1-10-0 |
| 12. JasonFoxes Running In A Field | 0-1 | 56 | 147 | 0-11-0 | 0-11-0 |
Tim is 11-0 against the field. Jason is 0-11. Matt is 7-4 against the field and 0-1 in the standings, and that's the one that stings.
Commish Power Rankings
Complaints go in the group text.
1. Tim The inTIMinator · 1-0 · 158.0 ppg · all-play 11-0158. Lamar, Gibbs, Walker. Flowers is questionable this week.
2. Don Vanilla Don · 1-0 · 147.0 ppg · all-play 10-1Allen 53 with Mahomes and Rodgers on the bench. Three quarterbacks, and it's working.- 3. David De'Coldest Toevadoit · 1-0 · 136.0 ppg · all-play 9-2Best lineup in the league by efficiency. Williams 50, Stroud 34 in reserve.
- 4. Nathan The Teletubbies · 1-0 · 134.0 ppg · all-play 8-3134 from a team projected ninth. Henry, Mayfield, Montgomery.
5. Matt Rivendell Rangers · 0-1 · 118.0 ppg · all-play 7-4118 and a loss. Best 0-1 team in the league, and it's not close.
6. Jeff Little Isaacs · 1-0 · 98.0 ppg · all-play 4-798, over a team that scored 64. Paid $30 for Bryce Young this morning. We'll see.
7. Jalan Open On Sundays · 0-1 · 114.0 ppg · all-play 6-5114, sixth-best score, and lost to the guy who set the best lineup in the league. Best of the losers not named Matt.- 8. Eric Phatty Daddy · 0-1 · 107.0 ppg · all-play 5-6107 of a possible 147. Bijan, Taylor, Bowers questionable. Still a top-3 roster.
9. Josiah No Punt Intended · 1-0 · 89.0 ppg · all-play 3-8Won with 89. Shough 44 on the bench. McCaffrey 8.
10. Levi Sassy Balls · 0-1 · 75.0 ppg · all-play 2-975. Achane 6, Cook 6, Purdy 28 on the bench. Rough.
11. Bobby & Steve The Aging Ballers · 0-1 · 64.0 ppg · all-play 1-1064. Chase 1, McLaurin 1, Dak 21 on the bench.
12. Jason Foxes Running In A Field · 0-1 · 56.0 ppg · all-play 0-1156. Then $90 on the wire. Then $10.
You Paid How Much?!
Seven claims cleared at 3:24 AM. Six teams bid on one of them.
Also cleared: Nathan, $9 for Mike Gesicki. Eric, $3 for Dontayvion Wicks. Matt added Caleb Douglas for nothing. Twelve other claims failed, five of them on Coker.
Around the League
Two things that happened to somebody's roster.
Monday nightKenneth Walker ran for 173 in his first game as a Chief
The kickoff issue said the inTIMinator would get the last word Monday night, and he did. Walker went for 191 from scrimmage with a 60-yard touchdown run and a short one through the air, and Kansas City won 31-10. Jason let this man go in August. Photo: NFL.com
Chicago 59, Carolina 37Caleb Williams had four touchdowns in a 59-37 game
21 of 29 for 269 with two through the air. Ten carries for 65 and two more on the ground. The NFL's opening weekend tied the Super Bowl era scoring record and that game was most of the reason. 50 points for De'Coldest. Photo: ChicagoBears.comWeek 2
Two 0-1 teams drew each other. Somebody leaves at 0-2.
Watch: 0.2 points apart on the projections, closest game on the board. Eric has Bowers questionable and the Love-or-Nix question again. Levi has Achane coming off 6 points and Purdy's 28 that sat on his bench last week. Whoever sets the lineup right wins this one.
Watch: Tim is the biggest favorite on the slate at 10. Flowers is questionable. Jeff is 1-0 with Barkley and Nacua giving him 15 combined last week and a $30 backup quarterback. Little Isaacs against the inTIMinator sounds like a fight somebody should stop.
Watch: The two teams that beat their projection by the most in Week 1. Don has 3 quarterbacks and started the right one. Nathan has Henry, Mayfield and Montgomery and just added Gesicki. Somebody's 2-0 on Monday.
Watch: Instead of complaining about the tiebreaker rule, this man should be complaining about McCaffrey only having 8 points while the backup quarterback he left on his bench went off for 44. Matt scored 118 and lost. That number usually wins.
Watch: David has the second-highest projection on the board, behind Tim. Jason has $10, a new receiver in a walking boot, and A.J. Brown in the IR slot where he should have been last week. The roster got better this morning. The projections still have the Foxes ninth of twelve.
Watch: The Ballers carry the smallest number on the slate at 94 and need Chase and McLaurin to combine for more than 2. I was delusional last week to pick myself against David, but I'm not delusional this week taking on two old guys. My whole team is on the block, as always.
My Picks
Two of the six go against the projection.
Eric. 0.2 points is nothing. The roster with 147 points on it over the roster with 98.
Tim. Not because of the 158. Because of Walker: 23 carries in his first game in Kansas City. That's week winning volume.
The Tubbies. Sir Douglas the Sleeper is awake, and I'm not betting against Henry two weeks in a row.
Matt. 118 is the highest losing score in the league and 89 is the lowest winning one. Those two flip.
David. Second-highest projection on the board, and 6 points clear of Jason even after Jason's shopping trip.
Me. I've got the right quarterback in this week.
Ledger of Weekly Picks
I went 3-3 on last week's picks.- Tim over Ericpicked Tim · ✓ hit
- Jeff over Bobby & Stevepicked Jeff · ✓ hit
- Don over Jasonpicked Don · ✓ hit
- Josiah over Levipicked Levi · ✗ miss
- Nathan over Mattpicked Matt · ✗ miss
- David over Jalanpicked Jalan · ✗ miss
Levi was the one I felt best about, and he lost with his best player on the bench, so the reason I picked him was never the question. Matt I got wrong by trusting Nathan's projection over Nathan's roster. And David beat me 136-114 with Dart on my bench, so that one is on me.
I still don't know whether Nathan is good. I do know who I'm starting at quarterback this week.
Congratulations if you made it this far.
If there's ever a week where I get all six of my picks right, I'm giving everybody in the league $1 in FAAB.
Next Wednesday
Week 2 in full, the wire, the Week 3 slate, and the picks.